Bill, Hill & Chelsea - Family of a kind! [That's an old one I know!]

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."

Hey I've got nothing against Cadillac! It's just a joke!

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"

"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.

"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"

How far can you stretch a dime!?!

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"

That's a reply!

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

At the Dentist's

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract a wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

The last chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

End Racism!

Lil' dirty one!

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fucking fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

Remember?

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Screwdriver!

The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

Bill and Marla

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

Today's dumb one!

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Diagnostic

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

Thanks for the gift!

A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky copulator"

Fo those who watched, you'll have a good laugh

True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.

The funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the fucking wall!'''

"The boat"

It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

Nice one!

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

Kissing is Dangerous!

Differences between men and women

Are you dirty minded?

Do you have a dirty mind?

Take a look at the picture first...

So, what did you see?

Now proceed and read below to find an explanation of what you really saw.

I'm sure you will find this very interesting.

Research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such scenario. What they will see are the nine dolphins.

Additional note: This is a test to determine if you already have a corrupted mind. If it's hard for you to find the dolphins within 3 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupted.

Driver's licence

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

Little Johnny

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

A dumb one now!

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

That's a good one!

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

Marriage counselling!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Some archeology!

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.

One for your mother in law!

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

Good one!

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

Don't get security, get a wife!

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

In the Dirty Jokes series

This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Shit!" he moaned. "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

In the Dirty Jokes series

On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

Good one!

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

1999 Cadillac De Ville

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac De Ville."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Q&A For Kids!

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

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Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"

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Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

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Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

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Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

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Yo mama's Jokes! Be warned, what will follow contains crude language and critics about yo mama!

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Your mom's so fat, when she dances the band skips.

Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.

Your mother's so fat, her clothes have stretch marks.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Your mother's so fat, you could slap her butt and ride the waves.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Your mother's so fat, when they used her underwear for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!

Your mom's so fat, when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling, "Free Willie!"

Your mom's so big, she plays marbles with planets.

Your mom's so fat, her belt size is the equator.

Your mom's so fat, she has to buy two airplane tickets.

Your mom's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Your mom's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.

Your mom's so fat when she took her dress to the cleaners they told her, "Sorry, we don't do curtains."

Your mom's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.

Your mom's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.

Your mom's so big, when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white.

Your mothers so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.

Your mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Your mothers so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Your mothers so fat, she's on a light diet...as soon as it gets light out she starts eating.

Your mothers so big that she sat on a rainbow and got Skittles.

Your mothers so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back.

Your mothers head is so big, it shows up on radar.

Your mothers so fat, when she went to the beach, she was the only one that got a tan.

Your mothers so fat your bath tub has stretch marks.

Your mothers so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

Your mothers so fat, she got a run in her jeans.

Your mothers so fat, she irons her clothes on the driveway.

Your mothers so fat, she sells shade in the summer.

Your mothers so fat, she left the house with high-heels and came back with flip-flops.

Your mothers so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.

Your mothers so fat, she influences the tides.

Your mothers so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.

Your mothers so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.

Your mothers so fat, she has her own area code.

Your mothers so fat, they got her face on the Crisco can.

Your mothers so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said "Sorry, we don't do live stock."

Yo mama so fat, were in her right now.

Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"

Yo mama so fat, every time someone say "Kool Aid" she bust through the wall.

Yo mama so fat, her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat, you have to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her

Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so nasty, I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo mama so ugly, she went into an hunted house and came out with an application

Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly, when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!

Yo mama so fat, her nickname is "DAMN"

Yo mama so fat, that she needs a sock for each toe

Yo mama so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!

Yo mama so slutty, she could suck a golf ball through six feet of garden hose

Yo mama so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.

Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her.

Yo momma is like a bowling ball she gets three fingers, thrown in the gutter, and comes back for more.

Yo momma so fat, scientists have declared her ass to be the 10th planet.

Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Your momma's so poor she can't even pay attention!

Your mamma is so fat she's on both sides of the family.

Your mamma is so fat when we were having sex I rolled over 9 times and I was still on the BITCH!!!!!

Yo momma so ugly your Grandma threw her on the street and was charged for littering.

Yo momma so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

Yo momma so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and everyone ran for the border.

Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit !!

Yo momma is like a bowling ball, gets picked up fingered, thrown in the gutter and bitch comes back for more.

Your mamma is so poor she was kicking a can down the street, asked what she was doing and she said moving.

Yo momma is like a bottle of ketchup, she gets turned around, banged, and then she comes out slow.

Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!

Your mom is like a race car driver, she burns 50 rubbers a day.

Your momma is like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.

Your mothers so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo momma's so stupid she thought a quarterback is a refund.

Yo momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waving.

Yo momma's hair so greasy when she gets in the car the oil light comes on.

Yo momma is a carpenter's dream...she's flat as a board and she's never been screwed.

Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

Yo momma is so fat her blood type is rocky road.

Yo momma is so fat when God said let there be light, he said move your fat butt out of the way.

Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a park car.

Yo momma is so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo momma is so fat she uses a mattress as a tampon.

Yo momma is so fat she put on a pair of Guess Jeans and the answer popped out.

Yo momma's so fat, she irons her clothes on the drive way!

Yo momma's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map she sees people waving.

Yo momma's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!

Yo momma's so ugly, when you look up "ugly" in the dictionary, there's a picture of her!

Yo momma's so short, she does back flips under the bed!

Yo momma is like a shotgun, one cock and she'll blow

Yo momma's so fat she can't even fit in the chat room.

Yo Momma's so fat she gets her toenails painted at Lucky's Auto Body.

Your momma's armpits so stink she put on Right Guard and it went left.

Your momma's like a hardware store, 5 cents a screw.

Your momma's house is so small, when you buy a large pizza you have to go outside and eat it

Your momma's so hairy they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower!

Yo momma's got more mileage then a New York city taxi.

Yo momma's face is so pimply that her tears need a 4x4 to get down her face.

Yo momma's so loose, she jerks herself with the fat end of a baseball bat.

Yo momma so poor when I rang the doorbell she stuck her head out the window and yelled ding dong.

Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo momma's so poor, she has to hang toilet paper out to dry.

Yo momma's so poor, when I stepped on a lit match in her house, she yelled "Who turned off the furnace"!

Yo momma's so poor, she can't get rid of the roaches in her house 'cause they pay half the rent!

Yo momma's feet are so crusty, when she walks on a wooden floor, it sounds like she's tap dancing.

Yo momma's like a pie, everybody gets a piece.

Yo momma's so fat that when she asked for a water bed, they threw a blanket over the pacific ocean.

Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy!

Your momma's so fat, your family pictures have to be taken by a satellite!

Your momma's like the village bicycle, everybody gets a ride.

Yo momma's got a party in her mouth tonight, and everybody's cumming.

Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.

Yo mama so skinny her pyjamas only have one stripe.

Your mommas so ugly the army doesn't use guns any more, they use her picture.

You're mama is so poor that she chases the garbage truck with a shopping list.

Yo momma is so fat she caught a flesh-eating virus... and that was three years ago.

Yo momma so short she can hang glides Doritos.

Your mother is so fat she asked for a water bed and they put a blanket over the ocean.

Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks by the TV I miss a season of Friends.

Yo momma's so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

Yo mamma so old she has the autographed version of the Bible.

Yo Mamas so stupid she locked herself in the bathroom and pissed her pants.

Yo mama's so poor, she chases a garbage truck with a grocery list!

Yo momma so ugly all the neighbours pitched in for curtains.

Yo momma's so short she did a suicide jump off the curb.

Yo momma's so short, you could see her feet on her driver license.

Yo momma's so stupid, she call you a son of a bitch.

Yo momma's so fat she's got more rolls than a bakery.

Yo momma is so fat she falls off both sides of the bed.

Nice videos of Mr Bean

Amazing Jesus
Elementary Dating

There's more once you get there!

Liverpool FC

My team! I really think that Liverpool's got it's best chance of winning the Premier League this year! I got to admit though that the last few draws against Birmingham, for example, were quite disappointing. Rafa's started his shuffling of the team series again; I'd really like to trust him, but even with a big squad you can't do that for every next match, it's a little like trial and error and Liverpool could perhaps have still been in #1 position.
Sure, there are a lot of matches to be played but a comfortable position at the top would be nice after all these years!
I hope the man knows what he's doing!

Note: ManU's defeat 2-0 in the league Cup is a little strange, don't you think?

fhm.com

I've discovered FHM a few weeks back and I thought of letting people know about it.
What I am refering to is the yearly TOP 100 most sexiest women on the planet! There are simply great pictures of very good quality. For those who really want to see beautiful pics without getting on the obscene side - thats it.
Well, this is a men's magazine but pictures are so great even if you're a girl, you might want to take a look and, Don't forget to give some feedback!

This year Jessica Alba won the first place. Sure! she's sexy, but I got to say that I prefer #2 Katherine MCPhee - I THINK SHE'S GREAT!

Anyway, in case you can't google properly, here it is:
http://www.fhmonline.com/girls_100_sexiest_2007.asp?cnl_id=0&stn_id=0&p=51

paste it up!


Have your say below!

Forex

In the money making series...
I've heard about Forex - something about money change...
There are some guys saying that they make about $4000 dollars a day with forex etc... photos with 2 cars etc... ; so I was wondering if that could be true.
I mean, the forex system even proposes to refund your $49 - investment - if you don't get at least that in your first 8 weeks.
This is truly tempting... so if anyone's heard about this system, or better, have tried it, please give us some feedback.
Sick of scams!

Thx

Advice!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

The hammer!

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

!

This guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner (at a buffet of course). They then go back to her apartment, sit down on the couch, and start smooching. Suddenly he leaves a big fart. Not wanting to embarrass him, his girlfriend says, "Fido, get out from under this sofa". They go back to their smooching, and a while later he leaves another loud fart. Once again she says louder, "Fido get out from under this sofa." As they get back into the throws of passion, yet again he blasts another fart, and his girlfriend says, " Fido get out from under this sofa - before he shits all over you."

Vacation!

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

In the dumb series...

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

In the dumb series...

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Do the Math!

The mum is 21 years older than the child. In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
How old is the child?
Where's the father?

Try first, before you check!


Solution:
The mum is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21
In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4
The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months.
Right now, the father is on top of the mother.

LOL!

The best mail!

I think the best mail service you can get is Yahoo!
Reasons are the unlimited storage capacity; the microsoft outlook express look letting you view your mail and inbox at the same time, hence making it quick and easy to view/read mails and decide if you really want to read them; the easy spam-marking option; the easy-access address book letting you add email addresses to your mails with a few clicks or just by typing the first letters of the address - among others!
Plus if all you are on msn or some other service provider right now, Yahoo allows you to transfer all your info etc very easily.

Married men! hehe!

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Success!

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."

The blind man!

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

$10 is $10!

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, “Martha, I think I really should try that.” Martha replies, “I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.” So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, “Martha, I’m 70 now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane.” Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation…

The pilot pipes up, “Excuse me folks, I couldn’t help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I’ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I’ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.” Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, “Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn’t make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.” Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!”

The new Chevy Camaro!

This car is simply superb - the fifth generation one:
rear wheel drive
400hp = 298kW
6.0L LS2 V8 with Active Fuel Management
T-56 six speed manual transmission
four wheel independent suspension system
...among others...
and an amazing look!

Smart Tips For Enticing EBay Sales Figures

Every seller on eBay wants to multiply his profits and attain the highest sales figures. When you have a dynamic platform like eBay, your products are viewed by millions of users worldwide. Ebay gives you an exposure like no other auction site does and you need to make the most out of this opportunity.

By John Thornhill

Every seller on eBay wants to multiply his profits and attain the highest sales figures. When you have a dynamic platform like eBay, your products are viewed by millions of users worldwide. Ebay gives you an exposure like no other auction site does and you need to make the most out of this opportunity.

As a regular seller on eBay, you are aware how important customer interest is for the success of your business and it’s therefore necessary to understand what clicks with your customers. Your listings must have that X factor to stand out from the crowd. I can suggest a few tips that I feel can help you carve your niche in the eBay business world and simultaneously achieve enticing sales figures.

To begin with, create a captivating title that can grab the attention of your buyers. Remember, the title is the first thing that a buyer sees and can be easily bored if its vague or insipid.

Add a high quality image to your product listings, as mere product descriptions can sometimes be misleading. Images are particularly required if you are selling items such as apparels, gift articles, or jewelry.

When it comes to writing product description, be as creative as possible. The description must be so good that a prospective buyer can virtually paint a picture in his mind about how the product is and how it can help him. Also add how your product can also be a perfect gift for someone you love and on what occasion you can gift it. For instance, a beautiful diamond studded bracelet would be perfect to delight your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day! And don’t forget to mention the shipping and handling fees involved to avoid misunderstandings at the time of payment.

Start your auction with a low minimum bid in order to make your deal a “hard to resist” one. After all, most bidders visit eBay in pursuit of exciting deals that only eBay can offer!!!

While auctions can be placed for a period of one to seven days on eBay, you have the option of stretching this limit to ten days against a small fee. Choosing a greater time frame for your auctions increases the chances of a greater number of prospective buyers viewing your products.

With eBay, you have access to worldwide buyers and the overseas market has a high profit potential. So be prepared to ship your merchandise across the world to accommodate international buyers as well. Worldwide shipments mean greater exposure, more buyers, a better deal and subsequently higher profits……

Well, now that you have understood what it takes to be a successful eBay seller, let me tell you one last thing that can make or break your reputation in the eBay market. It’s feedback! In order to get positive feedbacks from your customers, be sensitive to their needs, back up your sale with a good customer service, and of course give a positive rating to your buyers if possible.

John Thornhill is an eBay PowerSeller and trades on eBay under the username planetsms. He earns $1000s every week selling info products on eBay. If you want John to mentor you and show you how he is so successful visit http://www.mentorshipmonthly.com/

The 7 Most Important Subjects Never Taught In School

Life is actually very simple. The hard part is allowing it to be that way. This article briefly describes the 7 areas of our lives to which we should pay constant attention. Having ideals in these 7 areas and learning to move toward those ideals in a regular and balanced way can provide a powerful sense of meaning and purpose. This article is meant to help people see this more simply and clearly and to prod them in that direction.

By Kevin Michael Kiley

You can choose constant growth and development. You can choose ever-increasing peace and love and joy. However, if you do, it requires that you are also willing to be patient and to improve in a balanced way. Along the way you must be willing to face the fears and anxieties associated with the letting-go of negative habits. You must also be willing to allow the redefinition of less than ideal relationships.

In the midst of these changes, it is very helpful to have a simple system by which you can monitor your progress while diving into your improvement and idealism. Outlined below is a simplified look at the 7 different areas of life to which you should pay regular attention.

Life is actually very simple. The hard part is allowing it to be that way.

QUIET TIME 101

The most basic, essential ingredient in a happy and successful life is the habit of regular quiet time. Yet how many people have made the continued development of this habit a daily priority? People who put this time above the urgency of more mundane needs inevitably develop more peace and love and joy within. How important is the mastery of this subject to you?

EXERCISE 101

A habit of daily exercise supports physical well-being. Is your routine designed to nurture a body that is balanced, flexible, and strong? Is your routine designed to develop a body with outstanding cardiovascular endurance? Will you be able to enjoy your exercise routine in the later years of your life? Establish the habit of daily exercise because your body truly is your temple.

EATING 101

Eating habits often reflect the family in which we were raised. Did we learn to say grace? Were healthy meals and desserts prepared with lots of love? Or did we learn to gobble cookies in order to ease excessive anxiety? Why we eat, what we eat, and how we eat are intimately related to physical, material, and spiritual well-being.

VOCATION 101

Serve others in a way that is deeply fulfilling. Experiment until discovering work that suits your natural inclinations. From there, continuously develop to be the very best that you can be, and never stop growing in your field of choice. When we marry natural abilities with the discipline of intelligent effort, we do more than earn a living - we learn to practice work as a type of sacred play.

RECREATION 101

Spontaneity is a must! Isn’t it rejuvenating to wander in a new place or to engage in conversation with a new face? Isn’t it wonderful to allow ourselves to learn something new for no apparent reason? A game of catch can take us away from difficult problems and magically make way for surprise solutions. Have you learned how to make time for recreation in a balanced way?

RELATIONSHIPS 101

Relationships with others are a reflection of relationship with Self. Isn’t that an incredibly important subject to constantly explore? Learn to use the language of self-responsibility and make a study of your life. Develop superior communication skills and establish a truly interdependent personality. In relationships, each individual’s unique life journey comes alive.

SLEEP 101

Most people sleep 6-8 hours each day. That’s a lot of time dedicated to something most of us don’t think much about! Deep, regular, and restful sleep can be learned. For some it’s natural, but for others it requires practice. Either way, healthy sleeping habits are extremely beneficial and unhealthy ones can be a symptom of illness. What are your sleeping habits saying about you?

The importance of these life “subjects” must be acknowledged. They are foundational. Do you have an ultimate ideal in mind in each of these areas? Are you working toward those ideals in a balanced, consistent, and determined way? Doing so creates deep meaning and purpose that last a lifetime. What are you waiting for?!

This article was written by Kevin Michael Kiley. He is a Dartmouth College graduate, a successful entrepreneur, and a highly skilled life coach. Overcoming severe illness through a profound spiritual search, he is dedicated to helping others discover their own success. Learn how Kevin can also help you to move through obstacles and create constantly increasing success. http://www.kevinmichaelkiley.com

Money Making Opportunities

This article provides information for people interested in learning about how to make money online

By Matt Helphrey

Copyright (c) 2007 Matt Helphrey

Somebody once told me that money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately for me...I love money! In fact, I really don’t know anybody who doesn’t. Thankfully there is more than enough to go around. With a little hard work, (Let’s be honest. There’s no such thing as easy money.) we can be off and running. Diverting massive amounts of dollars into our bank accounts. The launch of the internet has opened the doors to a whole new world of marketing. Money making opportunities are vast and lucrative in the internet world. Anyone with a cheap laptop and internet connection can quickly turn their computer into an atm machine. So if you love money like I do, pay attention and read on. Learning to make money on the internet can be quite tedious and frustrating at first. With all of the money making opportunities out there, finding which one works best is like learning multiple languages and then finding out you only need one. It can be very overwhelming to those like me with very little patience and un pico knowledgo of computaros. (My Spanish is not too good either.)

A lot of people come into an internet business thinking that they can strike it rich with little or no work. As the band Survivor says, “There is no easy way out. There is no shortcut home.” That applies to making money on the internet too, not just to Rocky. Patience and persistence really pays off in the internet world. You have to view it just like it is, a real business. One that you will have to invest time and money in if you want to see any results. Before you begin you must do the research. Know what you are getting yourself into before making any decisions. Have a clear business plan and budget. I suggest you study the most successful people in the business and do as they do. Many people have recorded success online, and a lot of us are more than willing to help and answer questions.

Opportunities to Make Money

People surf the web to shop, entertain themselves, search for information, and for networking. Whatever product or medium you choose to offer, you are going to have to learn to target your market effectively. There are numerous ways to do this and to make money online and I will touch briefly on three of them. Affiliate programs, selling information, and surveys. Just know that some people make a very comfortable living by mastering just one method and others use a combination of several.

If you don’t have anything to sell online, no problem, their are plenty of affiliate sites that offer products for you to sell. The best part of these programs is that the majority of them are absolutely free. You do the work of getting their product information out there and they write you commission checks for selling their products! The key is to enroll yourself in more than one so your combined income will be substantial. You can also receive referall bonuses for getting people to join. If you don’t have a lot of money to start, affiliate programs are the way to go.

If you are very knowledgeable in a particular field, sell your knowledge! Start a website that offers information and write an e book. Millions of people search the web every day for information. It only makes sense to bank off of this opportunity. If your information is popular, companies may contact you to advertise on your space.

Earn cash by taking surveys online. You can join many survey companies for free and get paid cash and rewards for completing surveys. Sounds easy doesn’t it? That’s because it is!

There are so many more money making opportunities. More than I can list here. If you are sincere about making money online, my suggestion would be to try a combination of many. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket so to speak. The biggest mistake is to take no action at all. The best thing about starting an online business is that the start up costs are virtually nothing and the profits can make you quit your day job. Start now! Get out there and figure out what it is you are going to market. Don’t get overwhelmed with all the free information, use it to your advantage. If you believe you can do it, it will happen.

For more Money Making Opportunities: www.LiveLifeToTheFullest.biz

Firefox Speed Tweaks

Firefox can be made even faster!

Note: this seems to work for broadband connections, so, if you've got a slow connection, better abstain.

In the address bar, type “about:config” and press enter.

Double Click on the following (bold) and put in the corresponding, stated, values; when changing true to false or vice versa, just double click.

browser.tabs.showSingleWindowModePrefs – true
network.http.max-connections – 48
network.http.max-connections-per-server – 16
network.http.max-persistent-connections-per-proxy – 8
network.http.max-persistent-connections-per-server – 4
network.http.pipelining – true
network.http.pipelining.maxrequests – 100
network.http.proxy.pipelining – true
network.http.request.timeout – 300

Now, right click and add a new integer and name it:
nglayout.initialpaint.delay
Set its value to zero.

You're done! Pages should be noticeably loading faster.

The best download manager

Well, that's Flashget!
It even manages torrents! With flashget you can your maximum possible download rate, but beware: flashget downloads at maximum speed and hence uses all your connection, so if you are surfing you'd want to limit your flashget download rate - its very easy - and hence let your browser have some.
Flashget also allows you to explore sites and easily download a lot of stuffs, but here again your personal experience will teach you most of it; Flashget is very user-friendly and I doubt you will have problems using it.

The best web Browser ever!

Well, you probably know it's Mozilla Firefox and that it's been downloaded up to 4 million times up till now.

What's firefox?
It's a very customisable browser with lots of skins and add-ons like cooliris, for example - Lets you preview whole pages by opening a smaller temporary window on top of that which you are viewing - feels like some science-fiction series; you also got flashgot for batch downloads etc... and even stuff like Ook-video which lets you download most embedded videos - flash etc... .
All that is really nice, but the really best part of it is that its small in size and you know how that is convenient - though you'd say that it's becoming bigger with each update but browsing is also better!
Firefox also lets you open pages in tabs, that is, in one window - you can do that in internet explorer too but you got to install the Yahoo toolbar - browsing is so much better with tabs as you can easily and quickly jump from several pages!
Well that's not all of it but surely you want to have your personal experience so... what are you waiting for?